Publicly eat dog food

The interstellar live-stream platform “Voice of the Ordinary” had always been renowned for its sharp language and incisive critiques of contemporary issues.

Although Kaide was an Emperor, he was also a mere mortal; and being human, he possessed a desire to pry. While he couldn’t resist looking through various commentaries, he furiously directed the network department to block a massive number of accounts posting pictures of fried octopus, ultimately tapping open “Voice of the Ordinary,” which boasted the highest viewership.

Previously, he had already issued a broadcasting ban, forbidding the distribution of “Bai Ling’s” videos across the interstellar network to avoid any inciting effects. Those platforms were quite compliant, uniformly beginning to state their allegiances and broadcasting the national channel’s news—a synchronous display of peace, prosperity, and excellent conditions.

Yet when he tapped open this specific website, it was actually playing a gourmet cooking show on a continuous loop.

“You absolutely must learn this method of cooking octopus. First, we ask the enthusiastic stall owner to remove the internal organs. Once back home, score the flesh into a diamond pattern with a knife, coat it with a thin layer of starch, and drop it into the pan to fry until it is golden brown and crispy before taking it out. Pair it with a bowl of fragrant steamed rice, and with one bite, it’ll literally blow your mind ~”

The comments below refreshed continuously:

“Noted in my little notebook: eighteen ways to eat octopus.”

“Why is it that when I follow the host’s method, it turns out smelling foul? It tastes awful, pew pew pew!”

“That’s nothing. My cat caught a whiff of the octopus’s foul odor and went into the kitchen to whip up a four-dish meal and a soup entirely on its own.”

In an instant, Kaide’s blood surged backward, his rage so explosive that smoke practically poured from his ears, nearly causing him to plunge headfirst onto the floor. What an absolute insult! They completely disregarded the Sovereign’s authority; it was nothing short of high treason and outrageous insubordination.

He furiously berated the network department: “What the hell do I pay you for?! How is such a massive, rebellious platform still standing?!”

The network department: “…You only instructed us to filter out the keyword ‘octopus’; you never mentioned that ‘eight-legged fish’ was forbidden too.”

“Filter them all out! Ban the broadcasting of any seafood gourmet programs!”

“Yes, sir…” The network department sighed quietly to themselves; they would have to work through the night again.

Within his luxurious sleeping quarters, Kaide paced back and forth in anxiety. Tomorrow was his birthday. As early as half a year ago, he had planned to host a monumental celebration—a scale grander than Izu Paraiso’s founding anniversary back in the day, with a far more magnificent display, ideally one that would go down in history.

Yet who could have guessed that at this critical juncture, a rebel would suddenly emerge, leading the citizens of the entire nation to clamor about deep-frying him? How incredibly innocent he was!

Kaide also understood that while such matters could be filtered on the networks, it could by no means suppress the public’s imagination. If this were allowed to ferment any further, the entire Empire might have to ban the sale of seafood just to barely salvage the Emperor’s reputation. He had to do something to divert the populace’s attention.

Kaide immediately called his intimate little secretary—Heinz.

Heinz spoke in a cheerful tone: “Your Majesty, tomorrow is your 35th birthday. Aside from hosting a grand ball, the various high ministers and nobles have also prepared lavish tributes for you.”

“Among them, the Four Great Dukes of the seafolk have unanimously decided to erect a colossal sculpture in your honor. The sculpture has already arrived at the port, ready for unloading and installation at any moment.”

“Therefore, you might as well invite the citizens of the entire nation to watch a live stream of the sculpture being erected. It is both entertaining and an excellent way to manifest your supreme prestige.”

Kaide slapped his thigh in excitement: “Let’s do exactly that!”

But there was a problem—he hadn’t yet decided where the octopus sculpture should be placed…

Heinz offered a sincere recommendation: “If your humble servant may venture an opinion, a gift of such immense symbolic significance naturally ought to be placed within your line of sight so that you can admire it daily.”

Kaide walked to the window and yanked the curtains open. A light snow drifted through the night sky of the capital, and the distant horizon was saturated with hazy lights, resembling quietly dancing sparks. At a single glance, he spotted that sculpture—Motherland. It was the colossal monument presented to Izu Paraiso by the people to commemorate his political achievements.

Kaide tapped the glass smugly, pointing directly at it as he declared, “I want that piece of land, the center of the plaza.”

Heinz’s voice sounded quite troubled: “Then we would have to destroy the original sculpture. After all, it has stood there for over half a century, and many citizens have developed an attachment to it, whether positive or negative… In short, destroying it might provoke public opposition.”

His attempt to dissuade him achieved the exact opposite effect, making Kaide even more resolute in his decision. “We will just move it away and hurl it into a junkyard. That way, it doesn’t count as destruction; it is merely causing it to vanish from its legitimate place in history.”

Most importantly, it would vanish from his line of sight, vanishing from the very heart of the Capital.

Kaide’s mind was thoroughly made up, commanding Heinz to immediately dispatch personnel to handle it. There was no time to lose; operations were to begin tonight, ensuring that the grand octopus sculpture would be erected in time for his birthday tomorrow.

At exactly 8:00 PM, the news anchor of the national channel received a small slip of paper and immediately announced this development to the entire Empire with ecstatic fervor.

Simultaneously, within the distant Mammalian Federation, the presidential residence was brilliantly illuminated. Massive crystal chandeliers cast overlapping beams of light, converging into a triple shadow beneath the middle-aged man’s hooves.

“They couldn’t even wait for morning, launching straight into operations in the dead of night with blazing fervor.” The president, who possessed goat hooves, shook his head with a mixture of helplessness and amusement.

The Minister of Foreign Affairs also couldn’t help but chuckle: “A completely fatuous ruler whose actions are incredibly absurd. To celebrate his birthday, he went so far as to temporarily requisition transport vessels across the entire planet, preparing to use lasers to slice off the sculpture’s ears, nose, and head piece by piece. If this weren’t an official announcement from the Empire, I would have assumed it was fake news.”

The optical computer projection flashed as the Federation’s state media swiftly jumped onto the trending topic, running a headline that vividly satirized the imperial tyrant’s overnight dismantling of the sculpture as “a feat rivaling Napoleon’s destruction of the Sphinx!” It was laced with the absolute peak of mockery.

The Minister of Foreign Affairs spoke from the heart: “He can slice off the sculpture’s nose, but he can never slice away Izu Paraiso’s influence across the Empire or the entire interstellar network.”

The president looked over, displaying a fitting measure of surprise: “I assumed you were an opponent of Izu Paraiso. After all, your father lost all standing and retired from the diplomatic community precisely because of Izu Paraiso’s arrogant remarks, did he not?”

The Foreign Minister fell silent for a few seconds, then suddenly shrugged his shoulders with an air of ease: “A dead Izu Paraiso is the only good Izu Paraiso.”

The president’s gaze grew meaningful as he lifted his snifter of brandy: “A toast to the death of the Old Emperor.”

“Cheers.”

“How many days do you believe the Empire can hold out now that it has lost its Old Emperor?”

“Beneath the powerful warships and heavy artillery of the Federation, I believe…” The Foreign Minister crossed his long legs, his posture leisurely. “Within less than a month, they will be begging us to sign an armistice agreement.”

“So certain?”

“Of course, this is spoken from pure experience. Unless…”

The president turned his face, observing the Foreign Minister as the man thoughtfully recalled something. “Unless they can somehow recover the crown jewel of their nation, the Vermilion Bird, and find a divinely gifted warrior comparable to Sava I to completely rebuild their military defensive lines.”

Yet while the imagination was beautiful, reality was cruel. Everyone understood that the Empire right now was a dead game of chess that couldn’t be revived.

As the Foreign Minister spoke, he couldn’t help but laugh out loud. “But fortunately, if Izu Paraiso were still alive, I would still have to honor the vow of my father’s generation. Every time the Interstellar Alliance held a summit, I would have to…”

The president mentally completed the unfinished sentence for him: …transform into a hyena and publicly eat dog food.

Author’s Note:

The Sphinx anecdote refers to the legend that when Napoleon arrived in Egypt and witnessed the local population’s deep reverence for the gods, he felt indignant and ordered his soldiers to lop off the nose of the Sphinx sculpture (this is merely a legendary tale with no historical record).

Old Merman: (Lying flat, securely bound) (Face pale)

Little Bird: ! Charges forward, acts without restraint, stomps hard on the throttle, breaks things, flies away quietly, brings back a little mouse in his teeth.

Jellyfish: I trick people into sleeping with me, break my vows, aid tyrants, manipulate political power, and harbor exploding ambitions, but I am still a good plastic bag.

Little Mother Hen: Strikes a match, begins to incinerate it.

Jellyfish: …That is not environmentally friendly, my precious chicken.